An Angel to Watch Over Us

About 6 weeks ago on Mother's day I took a pregnancy test.  It was positive.

I take pregnancy tests all of the time...but this time was different.  I had been REALLY lazy about charting and there was this one night...

Both my husband and I panicked.  Baby #3 just wasn't part of OUR plan.

The questions that had no good answers plagued us. And the only answer we could ever come up with is that it will just work out.  Somehow.  Someway. And we love you to pieces just as we love your brother and sister. 

I just wish it wasn't THIS way.

And I just want it to be over.

I never felt life with this little one the way that I did with my other children.  That is, until Sunday night when I was in the shower and I felt you praying for me from heaven.

The ultrasound yesterday confirmed what I already knew: you weren't with me anymore.

I am so sad I'll never get to hold you. to hear your sweet cries.  to watch your daddy fall in love with you as I have. To share you with your brother and sister. They so wanted a little baby brother.  That you'll never get to be a part of our family.  at least not this side of heaven.  But you are a part of us.  

You were a surprise and sweet message from Jesus.

You are loved.

And I feel you watching over us.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Ever feel like you just HAVE to say something.  You really don't want to because it is just too personal and it probably isn't going to go over too well.  But still, you just HAVE to say it?  Well, here we go.

I am very concerned about all of this hype surrounding Fifty Shades of Grey.

When the books first came out, I just thought they were about kinky sex.  That can be fun, right?  For whatever reason I never got around to reading them and then the hype about the movie started.  Then I started seeing articles voicing concern about the movie's message.  This surely cannot be a good thing?  So, I read this summary of the book.  My reaction to the content is physical (no, not the kinky sex part) but to the relationship between Christian and Ana...it was like reading about my former life.

You see, I was in an abusive relationship.  You can read the full story about that here.

So when I start hearing that a movie like Fifty Shades of Grey makes abuse glamorous it concerns me.  It is not ok to abuse your partner.  Ever.

I haven't read the books and have no plans to see the movie. I don't want to watch my former life glamorized all over a big screen. There was nothing glamorous about that life.

I was shamed.  belittled.  accused.  humiliated.  isolated.

abused.

There were no "safe words" that could get me out of that hell and make it stop.  I remember begging God to make it end...that if what I was living through was the best I could ever hope for, to just make it all end.  And mercifully He did.

So please, think about the message that this movie sends all women.  If anything, this movie is creating a great opportunity to talk about what a healthy relationship looks like.  And let's be clear, there is nothing healthy about Ana and Christian.  In real life, this story would not end well.  Men like Christian end up in jail and women like Ana end up battered or even dead.

The most important thing I learned as I healed from the abuse, is that I am worth waiting for.  That I am worth fighting for.  And that being true to myself is the best gift I have to give this world.  I want my daughter to know this about herself NOW and not have to endure years of abuse to discover her worth.  So yes, movies like Fifty Shades of Grey concern me.

Resources:
Miriam Grossman has been blogging about Fifty Shades of Grey and has some great insights about how to talk to your kids about these things.

Meg Meeker has great insights into the hearts of our children.

darkness

Here I am again.

In darkness.

Surrounded by sorrow.

This time it's physical.

The exhaustion is just more than I can bear.

I want to sleep.  forever.  and no amount of sleep changes anything.

My limbs feel like they are burdened with heavy weights.

The simplest of tasks seem impossible.

I hate depression.  I hate than I cannot just "snap" out of it.  That it comes and goes of its own accord with little warning... and certainly no regard for me and those who are counting on me.

My family needs me to be ok.  And I am not.

Over the past two years I have kept it at bay as I dealt with real events that would make anyone sad. through my grandmother's death.  my father's Alzheimer's diagnosis. my best friend's loss of her baby girl. I could give you a reason for the blues.

today, there is no reason. it only is. and it feels like more than I can bear.

thankfully, I have been here before and I know there is help.  that this isn't me and that I don't have to do this alone.

there is hope.

Words

many years ago I ran across the book "The Path" by Laurie Beth Jones.  this book changed my life.

for the first time ever I wrote down what it is that I am supposed to be doing here on earth.

inspire, communicate and nurture 

divine excellence

this is what it all boils down to for me.

please don't misunderstand...getting to this one statement took a lot of soul searching

as a result of writing it down there is life to my hopes, my dreams, my deepest desires REGARDLESS of my actual specific real circumstances.  that is the beauty of this knowing.  NO MATTER WHAT may be going on around me I KNOW with every ounce of my being that I am supposed to:

inspire, communicate and nurture divine excellence.

this experience of writing it down has led me to believe in the power of our words.  we can breathe life or we can breath death.  we can build or we can destroy.  we can empower or we can annihilate.  

I was reminded of this truth today when I stumbled upon a blog post tonight, It Shall Be Established, about the power of our words.  after all "Our words are so powerful that God created the world and everything in it using words. He spoke things into existence and we are created in His image." Sibi says.

but what about our THOUGHTS?  aren't our thoughts just the words in our heads?  are we supposed to just think "happy" thoughts all of the time and pretend we don't feel anything negative?

how could God possibly expect us to think "happy" thoughts when a loved one tragically dies?  when we are betrayed?  when life throws us that curve ball?

to me it boils down to this: we cannot control our feelings, but we CAN control our thoughts.

negative feelings are ok.  they are neutral.  they need to be processed and put into perspective.  grief.  anger.  sadness.  rage.  just to name a few.  but when a negative feeling turns into a negative thought it becomes dangerous.  it can be confused with reality.  and turn into a lie that is mistaken for truth.  

it is healthy to experience the negative emotions. but they are just emotions. but, if that negative emotion turns into a negative THOUGHT, we have now given that negative emotion power.  most likely that negative thought is going to influence our ACTIONS.  that is the REAL danger.  

how can we possibly LOVE when our hearts and minds are filled with darkness?

Phillipians 4:8 says: Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise."

we cannot control our emotions and feelings. But we CAN control our thoughts.

If you are struggling with negative words and thoughts in your life, I encourage you to focus on these truths:

I am God’s workmanship, created in Christ unto good works (Ephesians 2:10).

I can do all things through Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:13).

For God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, love, and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7).

It is not I who live, but Christ lives in me (Galatians 2:20).

I am holy and without blame before Him in love (Ephesians 1:4; 1 Peter 1:16).

I have the mind of Christ (1 Corinthians 2:16; Philippians 2:5).

I have the peace of God that passes all understanding (Philippians 4:7).

I am complete in Him Who is the Head of all principality and power (Colossians 2:10).

I am alive with Christ (Ephesians 2:5).

I am free from the law of sin and death (Romans 8:2).

I am far from oppression, and fear does not come near me (Isaiah 54:14).

I am born of God, and the evil one does not touch me (1 John 5:18).

I have the Greater One living in me; greater is He Who is in me than he who is in the world (1 John 4:4).

I have received the gift of righteousness and reign as a king in life by Jesus Christ (Romans 5:17).

I have received the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Jesus, the eyes of my understanding being enlightened (Ephesians 1:17-18).

I have received the power of the Holy Spirit to lay hands on the sick and see them recover, to cast out demons, to speak with new tongues. I have power over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall by any means harm me (Mark 16:17-18; Luke 10:17-19).

I have no lack for my God supplies all of my need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19).

I can quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one with my shield of faith (Ephesians 6:16).

I show forth the praises of God Who has called me out of darkness into His marvelous light (1 Peter 2:9).

I am God’s child for I am born again of the incorruptible seed of the Word of God, which lives and abides forever (1 Peter 1:23).

I am a new creature in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17).

I am a spirit being alive to God (Romans 6:11;1 Thessalonians 5:23).

I am a believer, and the light of the Gospel shines in my mind (2 Corinthians 4:4).

I am a doer of the Word and blessed in my actions (James 1:22,25).

I am a joint-heir with Christ (Romans 8:17).

I am more than a conqueror through Him Who loves me (Romans 8:37).

I am an overcomer by the blood of the Lamb and the word of my testimony (Revelation 12:11).

I am a partaker of His divine nature (2 Peter 1:3-4).

I am an ambassador for Christ (2 Corinthians 5:20).

I am part of a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a purchased people (1 Peter 2:9).

I am the righteousness of God in Jesus Christ (2 Corinthians 5:21).

I am the temple of the Holy Spirit; I am not my own (1 Corinthians 6:19).

I am the head and not the tail; I am above only and not beneath (Deuteronomy 28:13).

I am the light of the world (Matthew 5:14).

I am His elect, full of mercy, kindness, humility, and longsuffering (Romans 8:33; Colossians 3:12).

I am forgiven of all my sins and washed in the Blood (Ephesians 1:7).

I am delivered from the power of darkness and translated into God’s kingdom (Colossians 1:13).

I am redeemed from the curse of sin, sickness, and poverty (Deuteronomy 28:15-68; Galatians 3:13).

I am firmly rooted, built up, established in my faith and overflowing with gratitude (Colossians 2:7).

I am called of God to be the voice of His praise (Psalm 66:8; 2 Timothy 1:9).

I am healed by the stripes of Jesus (Isaiah 53:5; 1 Peter 2:24).

I am raised up with Christ and seated in heavenly places (Ephesians 2:6; Colossians 2:12).

I am greatly loved by God (Romans 1:7; Ephesians 2:4; Colossians 3:12; 1 Thessalonians 1:4).

I am strengthened with all might according to His glorious power (Colossians 1:11).

I am submitted to God, and the devil flees from me because I resist him in the Name of Jesus (James 4:7).

I press on toward the goal to win the prize to which God in Christ Jesus is calling us upward (Philippians 3:14).

My arms ache

My arms ache for the babies who aren't with us here today...

Edwin. Ruthie. Landon.

One in four women will experience miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss. 1 in 4. That is a staggering statistic...

We lost a baby before anyone knew I was pregnant.  

Will you join me today in remembering the babies taken too soon. Remembering their mothers and their fathers whose arms ache for their child.

There are no words than can change their grief. But over and over again, I hear from my dear friends who have lost a baby that they want their child remembered.

Remember them today.

And every day.

October 15th is infant loss awareness day. Join me in remembering.

‎”For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” -Psalm 139: 13-16

Infant Loss

In the past two years I have been blessed with two perfectly healthy babies. Life has changed in ways I never could have imagined. But during that time, three families close to me have dealt with infant loss.

I remember getting the news while on maternity leave with Matthew in my arms that my friend Brooke had lost her son Edwin. My arms physically ached for her.

Charlotte will never grow up with her best friend Ruthie.

And today, baby Landon left us to be with Jesus.

And there are many, many more women who have their own story of loss that I do not know about.

There was this video posted this week of one woman's journey.  And her blog journals the PTSD that she struggles with daily.

It just makes no sense to me. My heart breaks for each of these families. And especially for the mothers.

Can you ever really recover from the loss of a child?

When I was in my late 20s, the worst thing I could ever think of at that time actually became a reality (my abusive marriage ended, for those that might not know). It was an awful time that took years to recover from. But I recovered. It was a lot of work. And I still have nightmares from time to time. But today, I can clearly see that it was for the best and God had good things waiting for me.

But I just cannot fathom how God can redeem the loss of a child?

But wait, as Christians, we believe that God gave HIS only child for our sins. So that WE could have life. THAT is our redemption.  He died so that we may have life.

So God has actually experienced this horrible kind of loss. The loss of a child.  His only son.  And it was a horrible death.  Death on a cross.

How often do we spout off "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, so that whoever believes in Him shall have eternal life."  without really focusing on the words.  he. gave. his. only. begotten. son.

So he knows as well as anyone what these parents experience.  He lost Jesus during those three days of darkness.

But this just never answers the why? Why would he allow this awfulness? Other types of pain and loss here on earth are generally caused by our own sinfulness. But infant loss? Why would he create life that is destined to be so short lived? And often painfully so.

I don't have any answers to this but when faced with these questions I always end up with Paul (the apostle, not my hubby) and his passionate speech in Philippians 3:7-11. Especially vs 10:

10 Now I have given up everything else—I have found it to be the only way to really know Christ and to experience the mighty power that brought him back to life again, and to find out what it means to suffer and to die with him. (The Living Bible)

Until tonight I have always focused on the second part of the verse: that when we suffer we share in Christ's suffering on the cross.  But tonight the first part of the verse jumps out at me: if we suffer with him on the cross, we share in his resurrection.  What does the Resurrection mean to us today?  Eternal life.  Peace. Peace that surpasses all understanding.  His presence as we face trials and tribulation, which he promised will come.

I came across a few great blog posts as I looked up some of these verses. Here they are if you want some further reading by someone with actual credentials.  I am just a believer trying to make sense of the pain in my world.

http://www.catholicnewsagency.com/resources/sacraments/anointing-of-the-sick/st-paul-explains-the-meaning-of-suffering/

http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/justintaylor/2010/02/06/the-purpose-of-pauls-suffering-to-mediate-christs-resurrection-life/

http://calvarychapel.com/blog/suffering-for-jesus

Wow.

I can only hope that I am instilling this kind of faith and truth in the lives of my children.