My arms ache

My arms ache for the babies who aren't with us here today...

Edwin. Ruthie. Landon.

One in four women will experience miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss. 1 in 4. That is a staggering statistic...

We lost a baby before anyone knew I was pregnant.  

Will you join me today in remembering the babies taken too soon. Remembering their mothers and their fathers whose arms ache for their child.

There are no words than can change their grief. But over and over again, I hear from my dear friends who have lost a baby that they want their child remembered.

Remember them today.

And every day.

October 15th is infant loss awareness day. Join me in remembering.

‎”For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” -Psalm 139: 13-16

Infant Loss

In the past two years I have been blessed with two perfectly healthy babies. Life has changed in ways I never could have imagined. But during that time, three families close to me have dealt with infant loss.

I remember getting the news while on maternity leave with Matthew in my arms that my friend Brooke had lost her son Edwin. My arms physically ached for her.

Charlotte will never grow up with her best friend Ruthie.

And today, baby Landon left us to be with Jesus.

And there are many, many more women who have their own story of loss that I do not know about.

There was this video posted this week of one woman's journey.  And her blog journals the PTSD that she struggles with daily.

It just makes no sense to me. My heart breaks for each of these families. And especially for the mothers.

Can you ever really recover from the loss of a child?

When I was in my late 20s, the worst thing I could ever think of at that time actually became a reality (my abusive marriage ended, for those that might not know). It was an awful time that took years to recover from. But I recovered. It was a lot of work. And I still have nightmares from time to time. But today, I can clearly see that it was for the best and God had good things waiting for me.

But I just cannot fathom how God can redeem the loss of a child?

But wait, as Christians, we believe that God gave HIS only child for our sins. So that WE could have life. THAT is our redemption.  He died so that we may have life.

So God has actually experienced this horrible kind of loss. The loss of a child.  His only son.  And it was a horrible death.  Death on a cross.

How often do we spout off "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, so that whoever believes in Him shall have eternal life."  without really focusing on the words.  he. gave. his. only. begotten. son.

So he knows as well as anyone what these parents experience.  He lost Jesus during those three days of darkness.

But this just never answers the why? Why would he allow this awfulness? Other types of pain and loss here on earth are generally caused by our own sinfulness. But infant loss? Why would he create life that is destined to be so short lived? And often painfully so.

I don't have any answers to this but when faced with these questions I always end up with Paul (the apostle, not my hubby) and his passionate speech in Philippians 3:7-11. Especially vs 10:

10 Now I have given up everything else—I have found it to be the only way to really know Christ and to experience the mighty power that brought him back to life again, and to find out what it means to suffer and to die with him. (The Living Bible)

Until tonight I have always focused on the second part of the verse: that when we suffer we share in Christ's suffering on the cross.  But tonight the first part of the verse jumps out at me: if we suffer with him on the cross, we share in his resurrection.  What does the Resurrection mean to us today?  Eternal life.  Peace. Peace that surpasses all understanding.  His presence as we face trials and tribulation, which he promised will come.

I came across a few great blog posts as I looked up some of these verses. Here they are if you want some further reading by someone with actual credentials.  I am just a believer trying to make sense of the pain in my world.

http://www.catholicnewsagency.com/resources/sacraments/anointing-of-the-sick/st-paul-explains-the-meaning-of-suffering/

http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/justintaylor/2010/02/06/the-purpose-of-pauls-suffering-to-mediate-christs-resurrection-life/

http://calvarychapel.com/blog/suffering-for-jesus

Wow.

I can only hope that I am instilling this kind of faith and truth in the lives of my children.

Mother's Day

Mother's day makes me very sad.  You'd think now that I am actually a biological mother that would change and I would bask in the glory of one day dedicated to ME.

Wrong.  Couldn't be further from the truth.

Yes, it's true.  I am a mother.  

But I have been a mother for a long time.  But not to the sleeping baby in the nursery   That just happened 16 months ago.  

Motherhood isn't about birthing a baby (heck, I didn't even do that...I just let them cut him out of me.)

It isn't about the biological child that has touched my heart for eternity.

It's about loving those God puts in your path and nurturing them to their greatest potential.  All women are mothers.  It's just how we are created.

Besides, this biological mothering gig, it's not pretty most of the time.  This post expresses this reality beautifully   http://www.aholyexperience.com/2013/05/why-mothers-day-is-for-the-birds/

I am really uncomfortable with tomorrow.

I know how it feels to ache for a child.  And to feel so left out as the world celebrates all of the biological mothers and to feel like you are just a second rate woman watching from the sidelines.  Yet, we are all mothers.  In our own way.

I really don't mean to sound ungrateful.  It's just that tomorrow, my heart will be aching for the dear ones in my life who yearn for a family of their own.  

So tomorrow, join me in remembering all of the special women in your life.  The ones who don't have children...yet.  The women who have mothered you, whether they are your mother or not.  And especially the women who have lost a child this past year.   

We are all mothers.  

Rejoicing in Suffering revisited

I ran across this blog post from The Gospel Coalition, Don't you dare be caught rejoicing with those who weep.  It spoke volumes to where I am today.

A dear friend is going through her own hell.  I want so badly to comfort her.  To encourage her.  To be there for her.  But I cannot.  Due to circumstances beyond both of our control.

I cannot fully participate in her grief and I certainly cannot ask her to share in my joy.

And while it is true, all that Jesus promised, when we are in the throws of grief, it does no good whatsoever to spout scripture telling our loved ones to "have faith" or "rejoice in the pain" or "God is working for the good of those who love Him."

How can we rejoice at the unexpected death of a loved one?  How can we rejoice when a marriage ends?  How can we rejoice when the diagnosis is bad?  How?


What can we do?  I mean really, what can we do?  I sit helpless as my friend suffers.  I want so badly to take away her pain.  To comfort her.  To pick her back up and tell her it will all be ok.  And someday it will. But not today and not anytime soon.  So what do we do in the meantime?

While I have been through my own hell, I keep wondering, what got me through it?  What was really of any help?  Time?  Those closest to me who carried me when I could barely get out of bed? My therapist?  The anti-depressants?  Jesus?  What was it?  Any one thing?  All of these things?

I don't have any answers.  I just know that God will someday, and maybe not here on earth, redeem our pain.  And He is our only hope in the meantime.  Everything just falls away.

Rejoicing in Suffering

One of the hardest questions people ask when faced with life's tragedy's is "Why?"

And what is so hard is that there usually isn't an answer to this question.

But God's word does make a few promises related to life's tragedies, mainly concerning glory. God's glory.

And in the midst of the pain and suffering it's so hard to accept yet it can be a lifeline.

Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. (1 Peter 4:12-19 ESV)

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world. (John 16:33 ESV)

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. (Romans 8:18 ESV)

But There is Hope

It seems that this world becomes darker and darker.  In the past few months I have watched friends and family go through horrible tragedy.  Not to mention the horrific crimes you hear about on the news.  This world is filled with darkness.  But there is hope.

"Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God." (Psalms 42:11 NASB)

"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." (John 16:33 NASB)