For those dealing with infertility, my desire is that our story can bring you hope and comfort in the face of a heart wrenching situation. If you know someone who is dealing with infertility I hope you would gain insight into their struggle and how to walk with them through the heartache. One great resource, that described how I felt perfectly is this article on Infertility Etiquette
Our Story:
After several years of dealing with infertility and over a year of different treatments that had taken their toll it was time to move on.
During church one Sunday in the early spring of 2011, both my husband and I got quite emotional and had to leave shortly after communion. As we walked to the car we both agreed that it just didn't make sense to invest more time and money in something that may never work. At the end of the day God is in charge, not the fertility specialist and we can align the stars over and over again, but ultimately God decides when life is created, not technology, not me, not my husband, only Him.
I wasn't exactly sure what would happen next, I assumed adoption was the next logical step. But first, I had to come to terms with our decision to end the fertility treatments. Month after month of waiting, hoping, praying, dreaming... Month after month i cried for the child that we would never know.
My initial reaction was relief. But then something happened and i fell into a deep pit of despair. I couldn't go to church without completely falling apart. I was a basket case during my bible study...especially the lesson about how much God loves us. When my husband wanted to talk about adoption, I simply cut him off and told him I wasn't ready to talk about it. You see, I had allowed my mind to be filled with lies.
Thoughts like "How can you call yourself a woman when you can't do the main thing that God designed you to do." "Your family must be so disappointed." "Your family won't love you if can't provide an heir." and on and on and on. The shame and accusation that I was allowing to permeate my thoughts held me in complete bondage.
In retrospect, what I should have said was, "LIES! THAT IS NOT TRUE!" Somewhere along the way I allowed myself to believe the lie that because I had not gotten pregnant and had a child, that I was less of a woman, that my family was disappointed with me, and that God didn't love me and was punishing me for my sins. So month after month of trying to get pregnant became more about proving those accusations wrong than the desire to have to children.
The breakthrough came during a bible study lesson on Spiritual Warfare. The beginning of the lesson asked us to identify any strongholds at work in our life. I initially scoffed at the idea that strongholds were at work in my life. The list included things like depression (check), anger (check), insecurity (check), fear (check), shame (check). I was shocked and relieved to discover that maybe I didn't have to live in this pit any longer.
Later in the lesson, I was lead to this verse from 1 Peter 5:
8 Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 9 Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. 10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
WOW! What an amazing promise. This was the truth I needed to replace the lies.
Shortly afterwards, as I started to replace the lies with God's truth about who I am and I felt that I had properly grieved the loss of a biological child, I was ready to talk adoption.
That weekend, we were cooking dinner and enjoying a glass (or two) of champagne, I suddenly became so tired and nauseous I couldn't continue. I excused myself, told my husband to do whatever he wanted with the food and went to bed. When I woke up the next morning I decided to take a pregnancy test just to make sure. positive. strong positive. not like the time before...where it was just a faint line. wow. When I told my husband he looked at me like I was crazy, like "Who the heck is the father!" crazy!
Now, the temptation is to say that because I finally "relaxed" I was able to get pregnant. Please don't believe this. "Relaxing" is not a medical solution to a medical problem. Advising women who are dealing with infertility to "relax" (while well-meaning) is hurtful. I don't know how to nicely say it any other way.
There were a few medical issues keeping me from getting pregnant. Mainly my endocrine system (thyroid and metabolism) was all out of whack so I wasn't ovulating and if I did ovulate, I wasn't producing the right hormones to maintain a pregnancy. Once we got these things straightened out, I got pregnant.
Don't get me wrong, I definitely believe in God's timing in all of this and His timing is perfect.
What completely floors me is my lack of faith. I had been given the promise of a family many years ago. When life as I knew it ended in Spain, one of the things I mourned the most was the loss of hope for a family. I had no idea what God has planned for me and came to the brutal realization that I might never be a wife or a mother. Trusting that God is good, I came to terms with this.
Shortly thereafter I was praying one day and had a vision of a little boy (my little boy) playing catch with my father at the ball fields near my parents house (the same ball fields we went to growing up). The image was so strong, but at the time completely crazy. The vision suggested that two things would happen: one, that I would move back to my hometown and two, meet a nice southern boy and settle down there. At the time, those two things were just not on my radar and not at all part of my plan :-) I was having quite a good time in Madrid and had no interest in boys, thank you very much. Thankfully God knows what's best for me and a few months later, I found myself celebrating New Year's with my future husband in my hometown. Crazy. A few years later we are married and completely settled in that same town. Even more crazy!
So when I looked up this baby's due date, it was January 24th, the day after my father's birthday. From that point on I knew that the tiny life growing inside of me was going to make it.
And he did. The pregnancy and birth were picture perfect and we welcomed a healthy baby boy last winter. And we are expecting baby #2 in late May! Praise God!
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